choices

I have long decided that I would temporarily stop working once I gave birth. Right now, my employer at the school where I am a teacher, is aware of this. They’re keeping their doors open to me, whether I prefer full-time or part-time, for next school year. So I could almost give myself a knock on the head when I considered going back to corporate. The only reason I could think of for considering it would be financial ones. It’s true that Mateo’s presence in my life has made me want to devote my time and efforts to him but at the same time, it has made me want to give him the best even if it means doing something that’s not in the least bit fulfilling for me.

I have consulted Ramil on this and it means a lot to me that he would let me pursue whatever it is that I would want, with the gentle reminder that Mateo needs to be taken care of really well. He even expressed his willingness to stay home instead if I want to go back to work. Everything is on a temporary basis right now. We’ve made no decisions yet only to take things as they come, coupled with prayers that we would be led in the right direction.

Some people have brought up the idea of getting a yaya so I could still work. I have nothing against working moms, I’m sure the fact that they work does not in any way lessen their worth as moms. But I have always been the type to put all my efforts and energy to something I have set my sights on, including being a mama to Mateo. I want to have a say in everything about him, even the most trivial things as when to change his diapers. I don’t want to have to put the blame on somebody else if something happens to him. Being a stay at home mom, I would have no one else to blame but myself. I would like to be the director in each and every stimulus that affects our son. So that when he grows up to be a lousy kid, again, I have nobody else to blame and when he grows up to be a great kid, I know I can be proud of bringing him up that way. I don’t want to go home and have my baby prefer a yaya over me.

I know in a way how it feels to have to work and not be with your baby. I’ve sensed it with Ramil. During the first few weeks that he went back to work, I know he felt sad having to leave the house every morning. He also had this paranoia (as I prefer to call it) that Mateo somehow doesn’t like him anymore.

Being parents is never easy. I have so much more appreciation for my parents now especially since they haven’t really stopped looking after Ramil and me. Up to now, their solid support is very much felt and we know they will always be there for us whether we need them or not. I can only hope that Ramil and I do as good as a job with Mateo.