Mateo has been 80% breastfed since three weeks ago when I stopped pumping. Since I wasn't feeding him breastmilk from the bottle anymore, I was forced to feed him directly more often. It turned out to be the best thing that happened to our breastfeeding situation.

During that week, Mateo would consume 12 ounces of formula in a 24-hour period and the rest would be from me. Whenever he is hungry I would try breastfeeding him first. There were times when he would refuse my breast and would eagerly accept the bottle. I never thought the feeling of 'rejection' would be real for me. I came close to crying a lot of times. I know it was stupid but I took it personally, I couldn't help it. Sometimes there would be a battle of wills: me trying desperately to breastfeed Mateo, Mateo absolutely refusing my breast, me letting him cry it out, and finally after a few minutes of wailing, he would grudgingly feed from me. Most of the time though, he wins. I could only take so much of my baby's cries.We have successfully decreased Mateo's intake of formula since then. What used to be 12 ounces has been brought down to 8 ounces, sometimes less. Hurray to us! It is only now that I get to appreciate the whole experience of breastfeeding. I could almost preen and gloat whenever Mateo would fall asleep while feeding from me, so peaceful and content. The silent gloating would continue for as long as he's asleep. The longer he sleeps, the more silent gloating I do. Hehe! If some mothers experience some kind of 'battle' for the babies affection with the yaya, I imagine myself having my own battle with the can of formula milk. I am ecstatic to report that I am winning. And I am getting more than what I expected. I find myself drawn more and more to Mateo. I now firmly believe in the mother-child 'bond' that breastfeeding helps form. I feel an overflowing feeling of happiness whenever I bring Mateo to my breast. I love gazing at him while he feeds. Now I am even grateful I was stupid enough to lose my breastpump's white valve.During Mateo's first few weeks of life, I was depressed that I seem to be failing at something I was intent on doing. I settled for whatever breastmilk I could give him. I told myself just a few weeks is better than nothing. Well, the weeks turned to a month, a month turned to two, and now, I am gearing for at least 6 months of breastfeeding. Better if we could drag it out until Mateo turns one. I'm sure our baby's up to it because I definitely am.