Okay, I feel guilty just typing the title. Nevertheless, it’s a confession I must make. It’s very difficult to make this post since mommy blogs are usually overflowing with feelings of motherliness and gushes for their babies. Still, I am sitting down right now to write a post on how I became sick and tired of my baby because I believe that I am not alone in this. I’d like to believe that I’m not the only imperfect mother out there. That yes, other mommies like me feels things like these.
Just like any relationship, the whole thing didn’t happen overnight. We were yaya-less two weeks ago and as soon as Ramil leaves for school, it was just me and Mateo. I enjoyed the whole week immensely. I got to spend a lot of time with my baby and I was delighted with how much he was learning from me. I’d like to think that the week did Mateo a lot of good too! Good enough for him to find his confidence and independence to be able to walk at the end of the week. I was one proud mama.
However, being yaya-less means baby duties plus house duties for me. I found myself finishing the laundry at 12 midnight one time, or I’d be doing the dishes from our breakfast only when Ramil gets home. Our meals consisted of easy-cook ones. Despite enjoying the week that I have my baby to myself, I was very, very tired by the end of the week. I’ve sung countless praises the whole week to other stay-at-home-moms who don’t keep a yaya nor a helper.
The following week, Cat, Mateo’s first yaya, came back. I was relieved that somebody can help me with housework and Mateo. I was supposed to go to school the whole week but ended up going for two days only because Mateo was having really bad diarrhea. I spent the rest of the week at home because I wanted to personally take care of my sick baby. Not to mention that he finds comfort with me. Taking care of him last week was really tiring. There were days when we’d have more than ten diaper changes. He’d cry from abdominal pain before each bowel movement and he had no appetite at all. It’s a good thing that aside from those things, he was an active and playful baby. Still, he has lost considerable weight by the end of the week.
So now, after two weeks of almost not having any time away from Mateo, I now have a clingy baby. He loves me more than any other person, much to Ramil’s dismay (hehe!). He even cries whenever he sees me leaving the room. Hence, he is now officially a mama’s boy 
Don’t get me wrong, I am very flattered but he’s starting to feel like an irritating stalker/admirer. There are times when I can’t even go to the bathroom without him wailing at the top of his lungs.
Yesterday, he was very clingy and was really out of sorts. I felt myself resenting it. I felt like he has all of me already, what more does he want? I’ve wanted to stop breastfeeding him since a few months ago but I never felt resentment for continuing to do so. Last night though, I was ready to let him cry it out until he falls asleep. It didn’t help that Ramil would expect me to rush to their rescue whenever he couldn’t handle Mateo anymore.
I found it difficult to sleep last night. I felt like a bad mother. I questioned myself. I felt so sorry for Mateo because he got me for his mama. I woke up today not feeling better at all.
Sometime today though, I got my second wind. I fell in love with my boy all over again. Nothing spectacular happened. It just happened. Maybe it was during one of our bonding times or when he gave me one of his winning smiles. I don’t really know.
All I know is that despite everything, I love being a mother. I know that there will be more down days in the future and I hope Mateo will be as forgiving as he is now. I also know that for each down day, I will fall in love with my boy more times than I can count. I know I will learn and I know I will get better. Bring it on.
