in defense of myself
Posted on July 5, 2008
Just a few weeks ago, I made one of the biggest decision I’ve ever made as a mother. It was a decision that I’m sure many mothers out there had to make. It was a decision that made my heart break into a million pieces. Looking back, it was a decision that was necessary and I hope the decision I made was what God wanted me to do.
I’ve officially left the ranks of stay-at-home-moms (SAHMs). Not that I was a 100% SAHM in the first place but I barely considered my 10-month stint as a part-time teacher a job. Nevertheless, I’m a 100% hands-on mom. Even Ramil, despite having a regular, full-time job, was a hands-on dad. Even before I gave birth, I knew I wanted to be the one taking care of my baby. When I gave birth last January 2007, it was natural for me not to go back to teaching anymore. It was just Mateo and me for five months. No yaya. No grandparents. No relatives.
The next schoolyear brought me out of being a full-time SAHM. I decided to try teaching part-time, not really for the money (though we need money too) but because I felt that I needed to go out of the house from time to time. So for 10 months, Mateo will be left with the yaya for three hours from Mondays to Thursdays. It was perfect for us. I get to do everything for him as a mama and yet I still get to enjoy what I like doing, teaching.
This year I was bent on teaching part-time again. However, a lot of math teachers from last year left and I was given a load that’s appropriate for a full-time teacher. Unlike last time when I would just be asked to report to school during times when I have classes, this year the principal asked five hours a day from me and was actually trying to persuade me to go full-time. Since five hours is a considerably long time, Ramil stepped in and told me to just choose between going full-time or staying at home altogether. Rather than a five-hour part-time work, might as well stay an additional three hours everyday and get the benefits of a full-time teacher if I decide to keep working. So we worked something out with the school. We’re allowed to bring Mateo and the yaya. Ramil and I have ’shifting’ schedules - he starts real early and goes home early too while I start a bit late and goes home late too. That way, we get to limit Mateo’s time in school.
I prayed hard for it and tried to consider a lot of things. I ended up saying yes to a full-time teaching job. The day Ramil and I gave our answer was a day I think I will remember for a long time. I cried buckets that night and for many nights after. I wanted to go back and take back what I said. I cried for my time with Mateo that will be lost. I cried for all the things that I will not be able to do for him. I cried for all the things that I will not be able to teach him. It was a total guilt-trip, not to mention a not-so-mild case of separation anxiety. I kept asking Ramil whether we made the right decision or not. I asked him whether Mateo will be able to understand in his own way why everything has to change. Why I will not be able to spend time with him like I used to. Why he has to stay with somebody he doesn’t really know yet. Why we won’t get to do things like we used to.
If I was able to find somebody to handle my teaching load, I would have swallowed my pride and decency and quit as fast as I could. But I think it God wanted me to stay put because no replacement appeared no matter how hard I prayed. The whole thing from the dilemma to the way I felt about it might be too melodramatic for some people but if you’re a mother like me, you’d know what I mean.
There were only three things that will make me feel that we didn’t make a mistake with our decision. These are Mateo’s health, development, and behavior. Unfortunately, after a week of going to school with us, his amoebiasis recurred. It was good that Ramil and I were able to act quickly so he only had diarrhea for two days. He’s still undergoing medication right now but he’s on his way to total recovery. We only hope that this time, we totally eliminate the amoeba. One thing that I think won’t suffer is his development. He still gets to interact with a lot of people so his mind is also continually stimulated. He’s also been given permission to sit-in with the toddler class so he’d surely learn a lot of things. I’m also particularly concerned with his behavior. Mateo has a tendency to be strongheaded and I’m afraid that if I lessen my presence then I lessen my authority too. So far, I haven’t seen anything that would indicate that he’s negatively affected with the arrangements we’ve made. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
Right now, I’m just letting go and letting God. I’m a believer of karma too and I believe that taking good care of my other kids (my students) and loving them would make sure that Mateo gets the same from his yaya and from other people around him. I know he understands. I actually tried explaining it to him even before I committed to a full-time job. Everything is going great right now, we’re very lucky to find a yaya who’s good with him. I still get that guilty feeling every now and then though, I just need to remember that Ramil and I are doing as much as we can right now.
So is this post in defense of myself? To myself, yes. I just have to read this again when guilt strikes.
» Filed Under Mateo, Motherhood, On Me, Ramil, Teaching Tags: Tags:guilt, mother, SAHM, teaching, working mother
You are one brave mom to decide that. I am so tempted to quit my job every time my son cries in the morning when we leave him to the nanny and it is always a struggle to go to work on a Monday when you spend 2 days with your son, it is very hard but life is just that and I’m sure you will get by.
You are lucky to bring Mateo to work so that’s a gift already. keep smiling and I know Mateo would understand why you chose the full time job!
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As long as it is God’s will, you are assured of his blessings no matter what decision you make.
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