This year started with so much promise for me. I felt like we are in for something huge hence, Ramil and I made a list of things we would like to ‘accomplish’ within the year. Although our minds are open that we might not complete everything on our list, we were optimistic that we’ll be able to cross out at least one.

The major things on our list are: a baby, a car, a house. They’re not listed based on priority but rather on their attainability. We actually thought we’ll achieve all of them a few months ago. However, each one of them started becoming unattainable as the months passed. The first thing we had to let go was our plan of having our own house this year. Despite talking about our options which ranged from manufactured homes to mansions, we easily let that go, knowing that it’s something we can still aim for no matter how old we may be.

The next thing to go is the car. Again, circumstances made us drop that off our list. Again, we can always get a car anytime we want. The most painful thing we had to let go of is our baby. When we found out we were pregnant, it never occurred to me that it’s something that will not push through. We were ecstatic that our small family will grow so we were crushed when she was taken away from us.

When the year started with me feeling that we’re in for something huge, I never thought that those huge things will be losses actually. I never knew that losing our baby is what God had in store for us. Until now, I still cannot understand what all of these mean. I only have blind faith to hold on to.

Ever since we moved here to Antipolo, I’ve been trying to convince my parents to move here as well. I told them that they can sell our old house in Novaliches and we could get a bigger lot here where we can have both our houses built. That way, we’ll see each other more often and we can look after them when they are older already. They’ve been saying that it will be such a hassle because they would want modern furniture to go with a new house. Although they are not agreeable to relocating now, I plan to make space for them when Ramil and I gets around to building our own home. Now, if only we could win the lottery.

Ramil and I will be celebrating our fourth year wedding anniversary this December and our tenth year bf-gf anniversary on March. However, we’ll only be attending a flurry of weddings in the next few months. Aside from needing a fat burner because we’ll be part of the entourage in some of them, we also need to practice Mateo because his services as bearer will be needed in several of them. I hope our little boy does the job well!

I haven’t been going to school the past few days. Because of some placental tissue that my doctor wasn’t able to remove, I was told to take it easy and to monitor my bleeding. According to her, if bleeding persists, she’ll be forced to do a repeat D&C in order to remove the remaining placental tissue. Hence, I’ve been staying home. Ramil has also been staying home as much as he can so that I don’t have to move around to look after Mateo. Most of the time, I just lie down and read or watch. We’ve been having a Dexter marathon the past two days. I was able to access my online backup of the most recent Dexter episodes I’ve downloaded and those are what we’ve been watching. Mateo can even recognize the Dexter theme song already even if he just hears it in the background while playing. We still have two days left before I go back to work and hopefully, we get to finish all the episodes I’ve downloaded.

Ramil and I have ascertained that the key to achieving our goals is to find other means of earning additional income. We know that our small family will not have a car, a house, and other things we may want to live comfortably by staying as employees. We know that we need to have something of our own, something that will directly reward any hard work we put into it. Among the many ideas we’ve thought of is getting a franchise of a food outlet. Hopefully, we can save up enough to invest our money in something like that.

Ramil and I are now trying to focus our attention on other things. We hope to focus instead on involving ourselves in some form of business. I’ve been playing around with some online ideas like starting an online free directory, or more blogs, I just need more time so I can focus on them. It’s a good thing that my dad let us invest in his new restaurant. He asked us if we’d like to buy a billiards table that he can put in his restaurant and all earnings of the billiards table will be our earnings. Ramil and I eagerly agreed and we’re projecting a return within two to three months. It’s great because we barely have to spend on maintenance. Hopefully, we get more business opportunities like this.

One of the things that I was wary of when we found out that I have to undergo D&C (dilation and curettage) is the hospital costs we would incur. It felt even more unfair that we would spend almost as much as we would if I was giving birth and yet we won’t get to bring home a healthy, bouncing baby.

Ramil and I agreed that I’ll have it done in a nearby hospital. I realized that not having any health plan like that of Blue Cross North Carolina will make things a little difficult for us. I got admitted in the hospital on a Sunday morning and was discharged on a Monday late afternoon. Our hospital costs amounted to around PhP 10,600 while the doctors’ fees amounted to around PhP 17,000. I’m still hoping my miscarriage would get approved for SSS maternity benefit otherwise it’s going to be a very lean Christmas for us.

For many people, losing weight is definitely not easy. I don’t know whether to be happy or not these past few weeks. The loss of our baby has pushed me into some kind of depression that has made me lose some weight. There would be times when I won’t have any appetite to eat anything. Although I’m not losing weight drastically, I don’t think I’ll need zyatonix soon. I guess I should be thankful that depression serves as some kind of weight loss strategy for me. I know some people who gains weight whenever they are depressed because it makes them eat more. Regardless of whether it makes me lose or gain weight, feeling depressed sucks.

I’ve been on bed rest since yesterday afternoon. I only get up to eat and go to the comfort room. I didn’t know bed rest can be um, tiring? Thank goodness for internet, chat software, and torrents. I had my D&C last Sunday morning and I was discharged from the hospital last Monday afternoon.

Unfortunately, my ob told me that a small piece of my baby’s placenta is stubbornly stuck to my uterine wall. Since they didn’t have enough time to harden my uterus before performing the operation because I was already bleeding a lot, my doctor didn’t forcibly scrape off the remaining placenta because of the great risk of rupturing my uterus. So I have to closely observe any bleeding for a month otherwise I would have to undergo another D&C to remove the placental tissue left. I thought all is good and well already when I didn’t have any bleeding from Tuesday night up until Wednesday afternoon. I was so upset when I saw a considerable amount of blood again on Wednesday afternoon and persisted until last night.

So now, I am horizontal most of the time in my desperate effort to stop any bleeding. Honestly, we cannot afford another operation and hospitalization. Our Sunday-Monday hospital bill, including all doctors’ fees, amounted to around 28k and I don’t think we can come up with that amount again within a month.

Ramil and I would often carry around one of our laptops whenever we go out. It’s a sure alternative for keeping Mateo busy wherever we may decide to go. We’ve downloaded numerous movies for him on our laptops like Toy Story, Cars, Shrek, Meet the Robinsons, Monsters Inc, and many more. Ramil is even considering buying a Promotional flash drive so that we can store all of Mateo’s movies there instead. Our laptop hard drives are slowly being eaten up by gigabytes of movies for Mateo. Or we could always just buy him his own laptop?