We’ve been waiting for our baby to come out for almost three weeks now. Ever since we learned last October 7 that our baby’s heart had stopped beating, I’ve been eager for her to come out so that it would be easier to move on.

For several days last week, I’ve been having particular difficulty in dealing with our loss. I’d find myself crying and having difficulty sleeping every night. The waiting had taken its toll on me because my slightly swollen tummy is a constant reminder of what we’ve lost that’s still inside of me. We knew there won’t be any celebrating with cigars for the grandfathers once the baby is out, there won’t be baby stuff waiting for us at home, because there won’t be a baby to take home.

Last Saturday night, I started having a crampy feeling in my lower abdomen. It wasn’t painful, just something that I’m used to feeling every month before I get my menstruation. I also started seeing a few brownish streaks on my underwear. At around 2 in the morning, I woke up because the cramps intensified but it wasn’t a constant sensation. I fell asleep again then woke up after a few hours because the pain was harder to bear. I would feel contractions in my uterus for a few minutes, it would subside and then start again. I couldn’t believe it! It felt like labor contractions but more bearable and pain was localized in my lower abdomen.

A few minutes before 6 am, I had a long, really painful contraction which made me head for the bathroom. I had an irresistible urge to urinate but I didn’t know that it wasn’t urine that wanted to come out. I squatted on our bath area and then a gush of bright red blood came out of me. There were huge pieces of tissue and I called Ramil to get me a container so I can collect the tissue. I saw something small and white sticking out of me so I reached for it. It was still attached by a small string-like, white strand so I pulled and it snapped. Little did I know that the thing I removed is the baby and the strand that I snapped is the umbilical cord. After a few minutes, I had another urge to expel something then a gelatinous mass came out. It was the placenta. After collecting everything that I thought I should collect, I cleaned up and sent a message to my doctor who instructed me to proceed to the hospital asap before I lose more blood. I was filling up a sanitary napkin in 15 minutes and the bleeding didn’t show any signs of abating.

Everything happened on my birthday so I guess my baby and I now share the same birth date. I guess she wanted to greet me a happy birthday as well. It was a blessing of some sort because we were able to look at her and hold her. We saw that her face was fully and perfectly formed – she has 2 eyes, a nose, a mouth, and 2 ears. She has a complete set of 10 fingers and 10 toes. She was small but she was complete, all that was needed was to grow and nourish everything she had. The doctor saw our 3-month-old fetus and noted that the umbilical cord was wrapped across her chest up to her neck. So we now know she died because of a cord coil problem.

Everything is easier to accept now. Seeing her helps in getting closure, it affirms every emotion we’ve felt ever since we found out we’re pregnant. We know she’s happy and in good company right now. Our small family now has an angel up there looking out for us.

Ramil and I are often in a downloading frenzy. We would often download full seasons and new episodes of many TV series. Since we haven’t watched a movie in the cinemas for a long time now, we would also download many movies. Right now, because we haven’t had time to watch them all, they’re all just stored in our hard drives. They serve as something for us to watch whenever we need to pass the time. We were able to watch a few times when I was confined. We hope to do more unwinding by watching more in the next few days.

My sister has been babysitting Mateo every time Ramil and I needs to attend to something. She was the one who took care of him during my two-day hospitalization. They’ve been the best of friends for some time now. I’m happy that Mateo is growing up to be a Tita’s boy as well. I know they both enjoy each other’s company.

On the other hand, my sister has been complaining about her bowel problems. We both often have constipation problems and I would sometimes consider getting a colon cleansing. Instead, I try to solve it with fruits and fiber. Most of the time, I’m successful.

We have yet to do any christmas shopping. I actually have yet to make our christmas list of gifts to buy. We’ve been so preoccupied the past few weeks that we haven’t really thought about it yet. Right now, since our baby is out already, we can finally focus on giving Mateo the christmas that all children look forward to. I’m looking forward to going to a sale or two so we can save up on our shopping. I’m hoping for more shopping money to come our way before we rush into our christmas shopping.

My parents opened their new kambingan business last Saturday. It’s only now that they are bold and brave enough to take big risks by putting their earnings on several businesses. The restaurant is their second business venture after opening a store/billiards place a few months ago.

We were treated to many dishes last Saturday. I particularly loved the goat dishes that were served to us. My only regret is that the place is still quite a distance from Antipolo so we can’t visit as much as we want to. We had to endure 1-2 hours of travel on our way home last Saturday. Although we didn’t get to mingle much because Ramil and I don’t really drink anymore, we brought Ramil’s laptop with us and we entertained ourselves by watching movies.

All of us are in full support of our parents and we’re hoping that both their businesses become very successful.

My hospitalization these past three days was a big chunk off our budget this month. Instead of having several more months to save up for our baby’s delivery on April, we had to shell out the money prematurely. Good thing we were able to use my philhealth insurance, which saved us around 30% of the total hospital and doctors fees. It actually made me think about getting additional insurance for everyone so that we’re better prepared the next time one of us would need to be hospitalized. I got my quick and easy quote here and I think I’ll start comparing several insurance plans soon. It’s the next on our list of things to spend on.

Since I’m 100% not pregnant anymore, I could start on my plan to get started on a regular exercise routine. Instead of using a weight loss pill to lose my flabs, I’ve made a resolve to improve my diet and to exercise. Ramil has promised to be my fitness buddy by joining me in my runs and walks. He even offered to lend me his bike whenever I feel like using it from time to time. We have many weddings to attend in the next few months and since I won’t be having that beautiful glow of pregnancy anymore, might as well be fit and sexy.

Yup, our baby finally decided to come out and she decided to do it on my birthday, no less. I’ll get into more details about the whole ‘birth story’ later. Anyway, it was a busy weekend for us with us going to my parents’ new business opening last Saturday. We spent the whole day last Sunday and Monday in the hospital with Ramil running many errands to and from the hospital. It was a bit of a hassle without a car to take him anywhere but it was manageable. We even had to run several miscellaneous errands like buying truck accessories last Saturday as well. For now, there’s a feeling of sadness thinking and seeing that our baby is really dead but there’s also a feeling of relief that we can finally start moving on while keeping our memories of her in our hearts.

These past two weeks have been depressing for me and just like any bad experiences in my life, it always leaves me with realizations and deeper knowledge of things once I stop and try to catch my breath amidst my endless crying on our patio cushions. Below are some things that have entered my mind since October 7, 2009.

• God gives generously but He also takes in His time, even abruptly or out of nowhere. I’ve gotten over the bitterness and there are still times when I’d question what happened but I know that things like these just happen.
• Life is not fair and many times, it does not make sense at all. When I had an ultrasound last Saturday, another girl was also waiting for her turn. She looks like she’s around 6-7 months pregnant, she was wearing a college PE shirt, she looks very young (I don’t think she’s even 20), and she does not look too happy. It made me feel very emotional and upset over the senselessness of life. My sister had a classmate in college who got pregnant when they were in second year. She went to a manghihilot, she deliberately drank many medicines, she went to Quiapo to buy pamparegla being sold there, she did many things that made me so angry even then, in an effort to abort the baby. Reason completely escapes me whenever I think about why they should have their baby and I can’t have mine. I cannot comprehend how some women would take little or no care at all of themselves during their pregnancy, women who only see the doctor when they’re about to give birth already, women who drink or smoke while pregnant, and yet they could successfully carry their babies to term. How come?
• No amount of planning could get us what we want. Our second pregnancy is actually more planned than with Mateo’s. Ramil and I carefully computed for the month we want to have the baby delivered. Since teachers in our school get vacation for the whole month of April, we wanted to have the baby at the beginning of April. We planned so carefully, we ended up with a due date of April 19 and since I know I’ll give birth 2 weeks earlier like with Mateo, we’d be able to maximize Mateo’s April vacation. Mateo will turn 3 on January which makes the age gap between him and his baby sister just perfect. As early as last month, I even told my mom to stay with us at least thrice a week on May, once Ramil and my sister resumes going to work. However, it was a slap in our faces to realize that our plans will not happen. Maybe it is God’s way of saying that His plans are to be followed whether it coincides with ours or not.
• Love is not quantifiable and does not need anything tangible. One of my biggest fears when Ramil and I were planning for the second baby is that I might not be able to love the next baby as much as I love Mateo. Boy, was I wrong! Again, I was proved wrong because I found myself loving our unborn child exactly like how a mother loves her child, even if all we have of her is the idea of her, a positive pregnancy test, and three ultrasound reports, two of which declares ‘no cardiac activity’. I realized that having another child only increases my capacity to love because it’s like getting an extra heart especially for that child. It does not crowd or take away from my love for Mateo. Instead, I find myself able to give more than I thought I could.
• God gives us reasons to be grateful even in the midst of our low moments. I am so grateful for Ramil and Mateo. I know it sounds like a cliche but I believe that God will not put us in a situation we cannot overcome. In this case, I know that Ramil and Mateo are in my life so we can all love each other as we try to cope with our loss.
• When you’re down and want to be left alone, people who love you will persistently bother you to make sure you’re okay. Yes, it can be pretty irritating but after the lowest feelings, I felt grateful for how bothersome they are. My BFFs Jeng and Puj called many times on our landline, my cellphone, and even Ramil’s cellphone right after finding out. They repeatedly called despite my lame excuses for not being able to receive their calls. Ramil and Mateo would forcibly hug me and cuddle me whenever I’d retreat to our room to cry my eyes out. Mateo would insist that I go out of the room to play with him. Both my parents, even though they weren’t together at the time I informed them through text, both called me immediately to ask me what happened.

When I was younger, I used to have a coin collection. My dad would bring home different coins from countries he’d visit and I got to keep them. I was able to collect coins from many countries. Any country that has a port, I most probably have a coin from it. Nowadays, I’d often think about my coin collection and I would wonder about continuing it by venturing into other rare coins. It’s easier with companies like Monaco Rare Coin which invests in hard assets like gold, silver, and platinum bullions and coins. It would also be easier to make sure that what you have are certified coins. With a resource like this, it’s not easy to find someone you can trade with especially when it comes to rare coins.