One of the things that I love with Mateo’s school is their approach to learning. They make preschool seem so much fun! Last October 26 to 30, they had their preschool week. Being a high school teacher in the same school, I’ve experienced helping out during past years’ preschool week and I always find the activities very enriching and entertaining.

When I received the circular on preschool week, I was excited for Mateo. I knew it was going to be fun. There was a day when they were asked to bring a yoga mat because one of the activities is a yoga session. The parents of the youngest class were asked to assist their children in executing the yoga poses. Mateo was very cooperative at first but he obviously got tired after several minutes. Who said yoga is easy?

prayer pose

extended triangle pose

big toe pose

On the last day of the preschool week, the classrooms were converted into learning centers. They were transformed into a grocery store, a gym, a pet shop, a bank, and a spa. Each student were asked to bring 150 pesos which was ‘deposited’ into each of their bank accounts. They were then given ATM cards and they could withdraw their money from a makeshift ATM machine. Mateo spent his money on cookies, ensaymadas, a chick, and a fish. We let him decide what he wants to spend his money on and I guess he felt rich. When he went home from school with his shopping loots, I jokingly asked Ramil if they bought me some Christian Louboutin shoes. Mateo had a blast and he wanted to come back the next day, hehe! I’m looking forward to more preschool activities he will experience in the next few months.

Hormones are just about the worst excuses of most females.  Where guys can trust testosterone for their physical ‘manliness’, libido, and mental/physical energy, women can rely on estrogen for their ‘figure’ and menstrual cycle.

Of course, what makes the female hormone a double-edged sword is the fact that a female’s estrogen level is almost never constant, it just constantly goes through highs and lows every month. Unfortunately, a low estrogen level is correlated with significant mood lowering. In addition to this, some women suffer from mild to serious depression because of low estrogen levels. Another lesser known fact is that the tendency for obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) also increases with lowered estrogen levels.

I’ve always been aware of my body and sometimes I’m even aware when I’m having premenstrual crankiness and many women like me blame the hormones for them. When I gave birth to Mateo, I experienced the usual postpartum ‘baby blues’ that often comes with changes in hormone levels after pregnancy. It was a good thing that I was often distracted with taking care of a newborn infant to bother too much with the blues.

Imagine my trepidation when my doctor told me to expect the same thing after my D&C. I know it will be more difficult because I won’t have a baby to distract me with but a baby to mourn over. With the intensity that my premenstrual crankiness gets sometimes, I knew that it’s not going to be pretty.

It has been sixteen days after my D&C and today is the first tantrum-free day. I’m surprised my husband hasn’t turned on me yet or left me altogether, haha. It’s embarrassing to admit that  I’ve been a bitch most of the time since my D&C. Of course, it doesn’t help that all the bitchiness often comes flooding out when we’re home because I try to keep myself in check when I’m somewhere else. I guess I’m just lucky I married a great guy and I have a great kid, both of whom still love me to bits hormones or no hormones.

I never thought of myself as different. I actually think I can be boringly average. However, this time around odds say that I am 1 in 2500 and its circumstances are exactly the reasons why I try to stay in the average as much as possible.

We went to my follow-up check-up yesterday and it was the first time I was able to personally talk to my ob again after my D&C. When she discussed my condition after the D&C, I was too groggy to even remember that we talked. Finally, I was able to have a good discussion with her. According to her, I had placenta accreta. I thought that there was just a tiny placental tissue that she couldn’t scrape off. I didn’t think that it was placenta accreta. According to wikipedia:

Placenta accreta is a severe obstetric complication involving an abnormally deep attachment of the placenta, through the endometrium and into the myometrium. There are three forms of placenta accreta, distinguishable by the depth of the penetration.

The placenta usually detaches from the uterine wall relatively easily, but women who encounter placenta accreta during childbirth are at great risk of haemorrhage during its removal. This commonly requires surgery to stem the bleeding and fully remove the placenta, and in severe forms can often lead to a hysterectomy or be fatal.

Placenta accreta affects approximately 1 in 2,500 pregnancies.

After seeing the odds, I grudgingly told Ramil that it sucks to be among the 1 in 2500 and what makes it more ‘sucky’ is that the pregnancy was not even successful. I remembered what my ob told me that my case is more manageable because I miscarried at 12 weeks which means that the placenta is also still small. It occurred to me that had I successfully carried to term the pregnancy, there would be a high risk of excessive bleeding which could have two extreme outcomes – hysterectomy or death from blood loss.

I was confused with how I should feel with this knowledge. For weeks now, I’ve been questioning why the miscarriage should happen. The idea that losing our baby is actually a ‘blessing in disguise’ seemed… wrong. I would have risked it if I was given the choice. I now have a possible answer to my question and yet it does not give me the peace of mind I’ve been craving for.

Right now, we’re monitoring my bleeding. It has been two weeks since my D&C and yet I still experience some spotting/bleeding. The duration in which I am ‘blood-free’ has been lengthening and the longest ‘blood-free’ duration I’ve had is almost 24 hours now. So we’re optimistic. We have to be because the alternative is not nice – repeat D&C if spotting persists until the fourth week and if that still does not fix the problem, a hysterectomy.

Since I feel confident that I would go back to my usual regular menstruation, my next concern is trying again. I now have fears of either two things happening again – another miscarriage and/or another placenta accreta. This puts my now-volatile-emotional-state into a higher notch because if there’s anything I became sure of these past few weeks is that I want to have another baby. I am trying to put things in perspective and focus instead on the present. I’ll take whatever God puts on my plate right now or in the next few months.