Last month, this line was part of one of my facebook status because I found myself in the same situation I was in just three months ago. After my miscarriage last October, I figured it’s going to take me quite a while before I get over it so I made mental plans that we’ll start trying to have another baby by July 2010. However, God once again has other plans for us.

I didn’t get my period after my D&C last October and a week into December, it occurred to me that maybe I should go buy a pregnancy test kit already. I never really thought I would see two pink lines. My complication should have made it difficult for implantation. Seeing the two lines appear before my eyes brought me to tears. They weren’t tears of joy instead I was scared. I feared for the baby – that everything should happen again or that I haven’t recovered enough from the previous pregnancy/miscarriage or that we’re not ready for it.

It’s totally different when you consciously decide to take on a huge change in your life and it’s different when you are thrust into that change without any warning. I have a tendency to be a control freak. I get stressed when I feel like things are out of order or out of my control. And this time, God has taken everything out of our hands and placed them into His – which is how everything is supposed to be (a lesson it seems that we need to learn).

Once again, all the plans we made after the miscarriage were messed up. We originally targeted acquiring a car before another baby.  So I guess we’ll be skipping on the car and auto insurance quote for now. Not to mention we have to figure out how to deal with an August delivery – right smack in the middle of the school year.

Ramil and I made a decision to keep the pregnancy to ourselves and the people close to us. Of course we’ll only be able to keep it a secret until everybody starts figuring it out but we were avoiding the excitement of another baby. We didn’t want to get high with expectations and then not have it work out again.

So life continued for us like usual, almost as if I’m not pregnant. Sometimes, we’d even forget about it. Heck, I almost ran a 5k race a week after finding out because we’ve registered already and honestly, I forgot that I was pregnant. The baby, however, will not be ignored. The usual morning all-day sickness hit me all over again. It was fortunate that we had two weeks of Christmas break which allowed me to bum around and feel miserable. To say that I was miserable at first might be an understatement – I felt cheated. Here I am, going through another hellish first trimester just when I’ve finished with the last one. It’s going to turn out to be a whole year of pregnancy, with two first trimesters, and it just doesn’t seem fair. Haha!

Along with the usual discomforts of first trimester pregnancy, I also started anticipating the baby. Despite my initial resolve not to feel too motherly until I start feeling movements, I found myself gently touching my tummy more often. I was falling in love again.

Again, it felt like a betrayal of sorts. My numerous fears turned into guilt. I felt like I’m being unfaithful to the baby I miscarried simply because I’ve allowed myself to fall in love with this one while still grieving over the last one. My raging pregnancy hormones did not help at all and until now, I try to come to terms with everything.

I’m currently in my 12th week of pregnancy and it’s admittedly still a long way to go. This week is my imaginary border because we lost the previous one on her 12th week. Once we get to the 13th, I’m sure some of the worries should disappear somehow.

There are still so many things on my mind right now – my employment status once this school year ends, the delivery costs, the expenses that comes after the delivery, and so much more. Right now, all I have is blind faith and a little attempt at planning. After the appearance of those two pink lines, I felt like I was swept away by an ocean, struggling to hold onto something so that I can regain control of myself somehow. Unfortunately, I still feel like I’m being swept away freely with nothing to hold onto. But I know God has plans and that blind faith is the only thing I have right now.

Aside from my car frustrations, I also have vacation frustrations. I would love to take a vacation with Ramil and Mateo this summer but the impending delivery expenses on August are preventing us from doing so. So hopefully, I get to win this one…

Win a Free Boracay Vacation Package by WOW Philippines Travel Agency

WOW Philippines Travel Agency, Inc. is celebrating it’s 5th year in business during July of 2010, and we would like you to have a chance to celebrate with us, so we have decided to give-away a FREE Boracay Package complete with 5 Star accommodations at the luxurious Le Soleil de Boracay Hotel on Boracay Island. The lucky winner will win the following Boracay vacation package. 

Vacation Package Inclusions:
- 5 Days / 4 Nights Luxury 5 Star Accommodations at the Le Soleil de Boracay  Hotel
- Flights to Boracay from Manila to Caticlan Airport on Philippine Airlines
- Island Transfers – Door-to-Door from Manila to the resort and back to Manila
- Three (3) Meals each day, Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner
- Boracay Activities – Horseback Riding, Island Hopping, Glass Bottom Boat
- PLUS – 5,000 peso Spending Cash

Read More Information: http://www.boracay-packages.com

Aside from Mateo’s fascination with airplanes, he also has this fascination with trucks and construction equipments. He has several toy trucks, front loaders, backhoes, cement mixer trucks, and many more. Some even come with complete truck accessories. He also has books about these trucks in a construction site and loves to watch Bob the Builder. You can only imagine his excitement every time we’d pass by some kind of construction while we’re traveling to some place. He’d eagerly look out the window and point out everything he can identify. Ramil and I are amused with his fascination. Just like how we visited the PAF museum, I just might go bring Mateo to a construction site on our next ‘exposure trip’.

One of my frustrations these past few months is our desire to get another car for our small family. Ever since Ramil and I found out that we were pregnant again, I’ve tried to let go of this frustration, knowing that we have to save up first for the delivery. It’s ironic because with the coming baby, having a car becomes a need instead of a want. I don’t even mind the high auto insurance quotes that come with a newer car if it means traveling in comfort with an infant and a preschooler. Still, we haven’t lost hope. We’re still praying hard that we find a way somehow to get our hands at a reliable car. It need not be a new one but one that can conveniently bring us to places once the baby is here.

My sister and her boyfriend are both very fond of Mateo. They asked if it’s okay to bring Mateo to Star City as their birthday treat to him. They were actually considering that or a day of swimming but when we asked Mateo whether he prefers rides or swimming, he immediately answered rides.

To make everything more convenient, we scheduled it on the same day we visited the PAF museum. We had lunch in a seaside restaurant along Macapagal Avenue. Since Mateo was asleep even before we got to the restaurant, we steered clear of those with tv stands so that it’ll be quieter. After waiting for Mateo to wake up and letting him eat lunch, we all proceeded to Star City.

Unfortunately, several schools were having their field trip. Why they would visit Star City for a field trip bugged me endlessly, haha. In other words, there were many people inside but I think it wasn’t as crowded as I was expecting it to be.

Upon getting inside, the first thing we saw was this:

Mateo is a fan of playrooms like this in the malls. The one in Star City has a big space and lots of plastic slides and play houses so Mateo was ecstatic. Since it was his day, we let him enjoy it for several minutes. Afterwards, we tried coaxing him to try the rides. The thing with my son though, is that he needs his confidence to try out new things. If he’s not too confident about what he’s about to try, he will choose not to. So it took us several attempts to no avail. We tricked him into taking his first ride:

He had fun at the ferris wheel which slowly encouraged him to try other rides as well.

It’s my bestfriend’s wedding on Friday and I am very excited for her!!! Finally, it’s her turn to walk down the aisle. Her wedding will be a two-day event so we’ll be spending the weekend in Quezon City. Mateo is already excited to spend the night once again at my parents’ house because of the fish pond and love birds that my parents keep. He loves watching the fishes even if the water is very dirty whenever the pond pumps are not working. He’ll again walk down the aisle on Friday and I’m praying that he does it well again too.

Some people around us have been telling Ramil and me to go abroad and work there. Although it was an option for us before we got married, right now it’s just not among our options. We’ve heard of many family and friends who’ve landed good healthcare jobs, one of the most popular jobs for Filipinos abroad. We also know of some colleagues who’ve chosen to practice teaching abroad. There are many different reasons why they would pursue their careers in another country but for Ramil and me, our small family is our priority. Although it would surely be financially beneficial for us, we’re more concerned with our general welfare and family dynamics. Having grown up with a father who works abroad, I know how important it is to have both parents present while growing up. I’m pretty sure my father missed us a lot and we also missed him too. Ramil and I just don’t want to miss anything in Mateo’s life. There’s more to life than earning big money.

My little boy loves airplanes. They always get his attention whether they’re flying up in the air or just toys in the department store or just about anything that looks remotely like an airplane. Hence, our house have been littered with different kinds of airplanes ranging from the tiny ones to a model airplane that my dad gave him. My legs and arms have served as makeshift runway for his many airplanes as well. His pilot costume for their ‘what-I-want-to-be’ day in school is even inspired by his love of airplanes.

Last year, the grades four to six students of our school visited the Philippine Air Force Museum in Villamor Air Base for their annual field trip. While going around the park with many old airplanes and helicopters for viewing, I had the idea of bringing Mateo there. Since it was terribly far and inaccessible, we had to postpone it several times but I insisted on it for his birthday. I just know that my little pilot-wannabe would drool at the sight of so many big airplanes. So I checked not just one web directory but several, checking directions, operation hours, and planning our route.

The museum is only open from 8 am to 12 nn every Saturday so we planned to leave early in the morning. However, we got home very late the nightbefore and we had several misdirections so we got there a few minutes before 11 am – just enough time for Mateo to run around and be totally stimulated by the visual spectacle. He excitedly hopped down from the car upon seeing the airplanes in the park and ran towards the park, leaving us behind. The expression on his face was exhilarating. He would run from one plane to another, as if undecided on which airplane to check out first. We had fun just watching him explore. Since we didn’t have enough time to go inside the actual museum where there are more exhibits and since we figured that Mateo wouldn’t enjoy it inside anyway, we just settled for sitting in the park and letting him run around and enjoy himself.

When I was pregnant with Mateo, I had problems with my vision during my second trimester. I experienced persistent headaches and with visits to different specialists, we found out it was because of my astigmatism. Although I don’t wear my eyeglasses anymore, I still get vision-related headaches every now and then. Whenever I do, I whip out my eyeglasses and put them on. Lately however, I’ve wondered whether the lenses are still right for my eyes because I’m having trouble keeping them on. I was able to read a review of Zenni Optical and I can’t help but wish for a new set of eyeglasses. I was a bit thrilled to know that getting myself inexpensive eyeglasses is possible which means it need not make a dent on our already tight budget. It’s easy enough to get full prescription glasses at Zenni for $8, although you won’t get designer brands from them. They have their eyeglasses made in China so they are able to offer them at a lower cost. All eyeglasses come with free anti scratch coating, UV protection, and lens edge polishing and beveling. They offer a flat shipping rate of $4.95 no matter how many eyeglasses you order so I might ask my sister and my mom if they want theirs as well. Now, my only problem is having them brought here. I might have to rely on some friends or relatives for that.

For several weeks now, I’ve been enjoying eating anything I want. Unfortunately, I didn’t really like a lot but still being constantly hungry forced me to eat whatever I can. I guess I don’t have to click here for diet pill reviews because I can’t go on a diet for the next few months and I definitely cannot take any diet pills. Although it’s great that I haven’t even gained a pound with all the eating, my clothes are getting tighter. So for the next few days, I foresee more eating especially with my bestfriend’s wedding coming up. I can’t wait.