Last month, this line was part of one of my facebook status because I found myself in the same situation I was in just three months ago. After my miscarriage last October, I figured it’s going to take me quite a while before I get over it so I made mental plans that we’ll start trying to have another baby by July 2010. However, God once again has other plans for us.

I didn’t get my period after my D&C last October and a week into December, it occurred to me that maybe I should go buy a pregnancy test kit already. I never really thought I would see two pink lines. My complication should have made it difficult for implantation. Seeing the two lines appear before my eyes brought me to tears. They weren’t tears of joy instead I was scared. I feared for the baby – that everything should happen again or that I haven’t recovered enough from the previous pregnancy/miscarriage or that we’re not ready for it.

It’s totally different when you consciously decide to take on a huge change in your life and it’s different when you are thrust into that change without any warning. I have a tendency to be a control freak. I get stressed when I feel like things are out of order or out of my control. And this time, God has taken everything out of our hands and placed them into His – which is how everything is supposed to be (a lesson it seems that we need to learn).

Once again, all the plans we made after the miscarriage were messed up. We originally targeted acquiring a car before another baby.  So I guess we’ll be skipping on the car and auto insurance quote for now. Not to mention we have to figure out how to deal with an August delivery – right smack in the middle of the school year.

Ramil and I made a decision to keep the pregnancy to ourselves and the people close to us. Of course we’ll only be able to keep it a secret until everybody starts figuring it out but we were avoiding the excitement of another baby. We didn’t want to get high with expectations and then not have it work out again.

So life continued for us like usual, almost as if I’m not pregnant. Sometimes, we’d even forget about it. Heck, I almost ran a 5k race a week after finding out because we’ve registered already and honestly, I forgot that I was pregnant. The baby, however, will not be ignored. The usual morning all-day sickness hit me all over again. It was fortunate that we had two weeks of Christmas break which allowed me to bum around and feel miserable. To say that I was miserable at first might be an understatement – I felt cheated. Here I am, going through another hellish first trimester just when I’ve finished with the last one. It’s going to turn out to be a whole year of pregnancy, with two first trimesters, and it just doesn’t seem fair. Haha!

Along with the usual discomforts of first trimester pregnancy, I also started anticipating the baby. Despite my initial resolve not to feel too motherly until I start feeling movements, I found myself gently touching my tummy more often. I was falling in love again.

Again, it felt like a betrayal of sorts. My numerous fears turned into guilt. I felt like I’m being unfaithful to the baby I miscarried simply because I’ve allowed myself to fall in love with this one while still grieving over the last one. My raging pregnancy hormones did not help at all and until now, I try to come to terms with everything.

I’m currently in my 12th week of pregnancy and it’s admittedly still a long way to go. This week is my imaginary border because we lost the previous one on her 12th week. Once we get to the 13th, I’m sure some of the worries should disappear somehow.

There are still so many things on my mind right now – my employment status once this school year ends, the delivery costs, the expenses that comes after the delivery, and so much more. Right now, all I have is blind faith and a little attempt at planning. After the appearance of those two pink lines, I felt like I was swept away by an ocean, struggling to hold onto something so that I can regain control of myself somehow. Unfortunately, I still feel like I’m being swept away freely with nothing to hold onto. But I know God has plans and that blind faith is the only thing I have right now.