The past few days, my mind has been filled with thoughts of our angel baby Vivienne. That was the second name we have picked while I was pregnant with her, without even knowing for sure whether she’s a girl or a boy. But during those three months, I was convinced she was a girl and she was Vivienne to us.

With every passing day bringing me closer to giving birth to Anika, my mind is filled with more thoughts of Vivienne. I don’t really know why. For the first time in months, I found myself shedding a few tears again the other day when I thought of her. Having another baby surely pushed away the longing and some of the sadness but I still felt my heart aching when I think of the baby that we’ve lost.

She would have been around three months old now but then again, we wouldn’t be having Anika if we didn’t lose Vivienne. So it seems that the emotional tug-of-war, the one that I had days and weeks after learning I’m pregnant again, is still not yet over. Sometimes it feels like a betrayal of our angel baby’s memory to be rejoicing about having Anika but it also feels unfair not to give Anika the joy, love, and attention that she deserves.

I’ve been telling myself that despite everything that happened my angel baby knows. She knows that she may not be with us now but she will always be in my heart, that although we only had a very short time with her, her place as our child is no less than Mateo’s and Anika’s.