So after more than three years, here I go again. I just hate post-partum blues. For me, I hit my lowest mood at around 5 pm everyday and it doesn’t help that it is actually just the start of the sleepless hours of an infant. So by the time Anika wakes up and refuses to go back to sleep and insists on nursing most of the time, I would be crying most of the time as well.

Yup, the few days and weeks after giving birth is not so rosy and exciting as some people may think. What makes it worse it that many people expect you to be joyful and cheerful that you finally have your bundle of joy with you. But come on now, that bundle of joy is really just a demanding bundle the first few months.

I am coming out and saying that the past few days suck and I know it’s going to continue to suck for several more days, if not weeks. Despite my resolve to exclusively breastfeed Anika, there are many times when I just want to keep my breasts to myself and rest. Or I just want a whole day where I will not hear the insistent cry of an infant. Or just a few hours when I could move freely without feeling any soreness or pain in my body. Or a temperature in our room worthy of an electric blanket without worry of any Meralco bill. Or even the satisfaction of seeing my body slowly lose the pregnancy weight everyday.

Add to my post-partum blues my homesickness for the life we used to live before. I cannot even go out to do groceries even if we need to. My need for order and control is definitely not helping as well. Many days I just want to sleep the whole day away and wake up when everything is back to how I want things to be.

Despite the negativity of this whole post, do not think that I am living my day to day life without an ounce of gratefulness because I AM GRATEFUL. I’m grateful for my son who has been handling everything relatively great. For my husband who has been my partner in the truest sense of the word. For one of my BFFs who saved us when we desperately needed help. For having family around me who try to help in any way they can.

Still, that ugly feeling is here with me and I’m blaming all the hormones for it because I want to see how beautiful my life is right now. I just have to keep on reminding myself that life is good and that with the post-partum blues I have right now I believe that things can only get better.

My emergency cesarean section was very depressing for me. First of all, I was not ready for it, emotionally and physically. Second, we were not financially prepared for it as well. The emotional and physical aspects of it I was forced to accept. I had to accept it whether I like it or not. The financial aspect was something that hounded us even after we left the hospital.

Our expected delivery expenses doubled because of the emergency CS and how many times I’ve wished I had a gold bar to make up for the discrepancy in the amount we’ve prepared and the amount we needed. Nevertheless, God provided and for this I am very, very grateful. I’m amazed that He constantly surrounds us with people we can always turn to for help.

The next months will not be easy especially since we were almost literally wiped out so Ramil and I hope that we will be showered with more work opportunities as well. For now we’re taking it a day at a time and we know things will get better.

Ramil and I were totally mistaken when we thought that things would be easier this time around because we’ve already had our share of first timer woes when we had Mateo. Oh yes, we were badly mistaken. For one, we weren’t expecting that I will be having so much difficulty with recovery because I wouldn’t just be recovering from a normal delivery but a CS one. Another thing is having gone through the first timer phase only means that there’s another child to think of during the second timer phase.

The only thing that seems bearable is the fact that we get to sleep less. Good thing we got used to working late and to sleeping in shifts. Unfortunately, I don’t think we’ll be having any date opportunity soon. Aside from being strapped for cash, Anika has been an extended part of my body lately. Just the other day, I was thinking that it would be nice to go on a date with just my husband even if it’s just to eat out. It would be amazing if we could watch a movie or if someone would give us Taylor Swift tickets because it would be really great if we could even watch a concert. Unfortunately, I think we’re going to have to wait a long time before we get to ‘date’ again. For now, we’ll just be zombies. But it’s okay, our two little angels make up for everything.

I finally gave birth last Thursday! The whole experience is definitely not what we expected. I’ll delay the whole story for a few more posts because things are a bit crazy right now. I’m struggling with normal moving around stuff because of my CS wound and I’m also once again struggling with breastfeeding. Finances are really tight because our expected delivery expenses ballooned. We’re trying to make the whole transition easier for Mateo.

Anika, on the other hand, is doing what every newborn is supposed to do: nurse, sleep, cry, be held. We’re slowly getting to know her and despite all the struggles right now, we are very grateful and happy we have her. She’s not yet that good at nursing unlike Mateo who was such a natural then. She does not like the air that comes from ceiling fans very much and I think she knows Mateo’s voice already. She likes sleeping on my chest with her cheeks touching my bare skin and she likes being rocked by Ramil. She can be very demanding and she’s such a screamer when she wants something. As early as now, I could go on and on about her and yet I know that there’s so much more to learn about her.

Right now I have round-the-clock mommy duties to attend to, not to mention squeeze in some work whenever I can. So the post on my delivery would have to wait.