To be honest, I never thought we’d last this long. I still remember my frustrations at pumping during the first few months, the blessing of losing my pump’s valve, finally finding joy in breastfeeding, and my attempts to wean him at seven months which ended up in relactation. I’ve reached a point when I just let him feed whenever he wants to. I’ve decided to just sit and wait for him to wean himself. I figured that he will, eventually. There were days when he would refuse to feed from me and I would get all sentimental about it. Now I know that weaning doesn’t just spell freedom for me, it also means losing just a little bit of my baby. Sure, I could still feed him from the bottle while cuddling or holding him but there’s nothing more intimate and close than having him at my breast. It was something that nobody else could offer. It’s a form of nourishment and comfort that only I could offer. But my baby is slowly becoming more independent.

I think Mateo senses this sadness that I would sometimes feel whenever I think about not being able to breastfeed him anymore. I’d like to think that he also chose this slow weaning process to make it easy on both of us. I’ve heard of some babies who are weaned overnight but I couldn’t imagine such a thing for us. Nowadays, there are times when he would ask for the bottle and there are times when he would ask for my breast. The times when he would prefer the bottle though, is slowly increasing. His milk budget is also getting a bigger chunk of our monthly income.

Considering his milk preference these past few days, my fearless forecast is that he would be completely weaned in a month’s time, maybe earlier. Saddens me a little but I also look forward to it. Whatever happens, I know he’s still going to be a mama’s boy.

Mateo has been 80% breastfed since three weeks ago when I stopped pumping. Since I wasn't feeding him breastmilk from the bottle anymore, I was forced to feed him directly more often. It turned out to be the best thing that happened to our breastfeeding situation.

During that week, Mateo would consume 12 ounces of formula in a 24-hour period and the rest would be from me. Whenever he is hungry I would try breastfeeding him first. There were times when he would refuse my breast and would eagerly accept the bottle. I never thought the feeling of 'rejection' would be real for me. I came close to crying a lot of times. I know it was stupid but I took it personally, I couldn't help it. Sometimes there would be a battle of wills: me trying desperately to breastfeed Mateo, Mateo absolutely refusing my breast, me letting him cry it out, and finally after a few minutes of wailing, he would grudgingly feed from me. Most of the time though, he wins. I could only take so much of my baby's cries.We have successfully decreased Mateo's intake of formula since then. What used to be 12 ounces has been brought down to 8 ounces, sometimes less. Hurray to us! It is only now that I get to appreciate the whole experience of breastfeeding. I could almost preen and gloat whenever Mateo would fall asleep while feeding from me, so peaceful and content. The silent gloating would continue for as long as he's asleep. The longer he sleeps, the more silent gloating I do. Hehe! If some mothers experience some kind of 'battle' for the babies affection with the yaya, I imagine myself having my own battle with the can of formula milk. I am ecstatic to report that I am winning. And I am getting more than what I expected. I find myself drawn more and more to Mateo. I now firmly believe in the mother-child 'bond' that breastfeeding helps form. I feel an overflowing feeling of happiness whenever I bring Mateo to my breast. I love gazing at him while he feeds. Now I am even grateful I was stupid enough to lose my breastpump's white valve.During Mateo's first few weeks of life, I was depressed that I seem to be failing at something I was intent on doing. I settled for whatever breastmilk I could give him. I told myself just a few weeks is better than nothing. Well, the weeks turned to a month, a month turned to two, and now, I am gearing for at least 6 months of breastfeeding. Better if we could drag it out until Mateo turns one. I'm sure our baby's up to it because I definitely am.

The original white valve of my pump got a tear on it a few weeks ago and it keeps on detaching itself after a few seconds of pumping. The pump comes with a spare valve and I've been using it since then. Stupid me, I lost the new valve when I disassembled the pump and sterilised it last week. I tried using the old valve but the pumping sessions elicit a lot of curse words from me. What used to be 15-20 minutes of pumping has stretched to 30-45 minutes because I keep on attaching the valve again. So I gave up pumping. I didn't think it would be a blessing in disguise.

Mateo has been mostly feeding directly from me since I stopped pumping. Yey! I didn't realize pumping my milk has been preventing me from directly breastfeeding. Without any other means of giving Mateo breastmilk, I was forced to put him to my breast at every chance I get. Now, I really think he's getting more breastmilk and I think my milk supply is slowly increasing. Still not enough to go pure though, he would still get frustrated at times and I would succumb and give him formula. Wawa naman e, parang gutom na gutom. Hehe!

So I am retiring my pump now. I could buy a new valve and my pump would be as good as new but I am happier feeding Mateo now. Anybody who wants it, I would be willing to give it for a really cheap price, just let me know by leaving a comment or by email