Our ‘arrangements’ are not the same every time I give him a bath. Sometimes he’d still use his bathtub, sometimes he’d just stand and play with the water coming out of the faucet, or sometimes, he’d go inside the pail.

Sometimes, I’d also let him take a bath outside. We’d fill up our biggest basin with water, put his toys outside, and let him enjoy himself. Just the change in location can thrill him so much.

]]> http://www.alaherrera.com/2008/09/bath-time-2/feed/ 4 http://www.alaherrera.com/2008/07/in-defense-of-myself/ http://www.alaherrera.com/2008/07/in-defense-of-myself/#comments Sat, 05 Jul 2008 12:12:57 +0000 alaherrera http://www.alaherrera.com/?p=630 Continue reading →]]> Just a few weeks ago, I made one of the biggest decision I’ve ever made as a mother. It was a decision that I’m sure many mothers out there had to make. It was a decision that made my heart break into a million pieces. Looking back, it was a decision that was necessary and I hope the decision I made was what God wanted me to do.

I’ve officially left the ranks of stay-at-home-moms (SAHMs). Not that I was a 100% SAHM in the first place but I barely considered my 10-month stint as a part-time teacher a job. Nevertheless, I’m a 100% hands-on mom. Even Ramil, despite having a regular, full-time job, was a hands-on dad. Even before I gave birth, I knew I wanted to be the one taking care of my baby. When I gave birth last January 2007, it was natural for me not to go back to teaching anymore. It was just Mateo and me for five months. No yaya. No grandparents. No relatives.

The next schoolyear brought me out of being a full-time SAHM. I decided to try teaching part-time, not really for the money (though we need money too) but because I felt that I needed to go out of the house from time to time. So for 10 months, Mateo will be left with the yaya for three hours from Mondays to Thursdays. It was perfect for us. I get to do everything for him as a mama and yet I still get to enjoy what I like doing, teaching.

This year I was bent on teaching part-time again. However, a lot of math teachers from last year left and I was given a load that’s appropriate for a full-time teacher. Unlike last time when I would just be asked to report to school during times when I have classes, this year the principal asked five hours a day from me and was actually trying to persuade me to go full-time. Since five hours is a considerably long time, Ramil stepped in and told me to just choose between going full-time or staying at home altogether. Rather than a five-hour part-time work, might as well stay an additional three hours everyday and get the benefits of a full-time teacher if I decide to keep working. So we worked something out with the school. We’re allowed to bring Mateo and the yaya. Ramil and I have ‘shifting’ schedules – he starts real early and goes home early too while I start a bit late and goes home late too. That way, we get to limit Mateo’s time in school.

I prayed hard for it and tried to consider a lot of things. I ended up saying yes to a full-time teaching job. The day Ramil and I gave our answer was a day I think I will remember for a long time. I cried buckets that night and for many nights after. I wanted to go back and take back what I said. I cried for my time with Mateo that will be lost. I cried for all the things that I will not be able to do for him. I cried for all the things that I will not be able to teach him. It was a total guilt-trip, not to mention a not-so-mild case of separation anxiety. I kept asking Ramil whether we made the right decision or not. I asked him whether Mateo will be able to understand in his own way why everything has to change. Why I will not be able to spend time with him like I used to. Why he has to stay with somebody he doesn’t really know yet. Why we won’t get to do things like we used to.

If I was able to find somebody to handle my teaching load, I would have swallowed my pride and decency and quit as fast as I could. But I think it God wanted me to stay put because no replacement appeared no matter how hard I prayed. The whole thing from the dilemma to the way I felt about it might be too melodramatic for some people but if you’re a mother like me, you’d know what I mean.

There were only three things that will make me feel that we didn’t make a mistake with our decision. These are Mateo’s health, development, and behavior. Unfortunately, after a week of going to school with us, his amoebiasis recurred. It was good that Ramil and I were able to act quickly so he only had diarrhea for two days. He’s still undergoing medication right now but he’s on his way to total recovery. We only hope that this time, we totally eliminate the amoeba. One thing that I think won’t suffer is his development. He still gets to interact with a lot of people so his mind is also continually stimulated. He’s also been given permission to sit-in with the toddler class so he’d surely learn a lot of things. I’m also particularly concerned with his behavior. Mateo has a tendency to be strongheaded and I’m afraid that if I lessen my presence then I lessen my authority too. So far, I haven’t seen anything that would indicate that he’s negatively affected with the arrangements we’ve made. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

Right now, I’m just letting go and letting God. I’m a believer of karma too and I believe that taking good care of my other kids (my students) and loving them would make sure that Mateo gets the same from his yaya and from other people around him. I know he understands. I actually tried explaining it to him even before I committed to a full-time job. Everything is going great right now, we’re very lucky to find a yaya who’s good with him. I still get that guilty feeling every now and then though, I just need to remember that Ramil and I are doing as much as we can right now.

So is this post in defense of myself? To myself, yes. I just have to read this again when guilt strikes.

I’m off to a good start this school year. Still not as great as I would want it to be but good enough especially since we’ve got a spanking, newly-constructed, air-conditioned teachers’ lounge. My little pleasures as a teacher are my own personal space and an air-conditioned place I could stay in during breaks. Certainly puts me in a good disposition. Everything looks nice now in our lounge, everyone has their own cubicle and despite some CAT6 cables scattered here and there, the place is pretty much organized.

On another note, it’s such a relief that Mateo and the new yaya are getting along great. Sometimes too great, much to my dismay. I guess it’s just the jealous mama in me, which I’m trying to squish by the way. Mateo would definitely be better off if they fall in love with each other. They’re now certified playmates and sometimes, Mateo would call out her name as if asking to be saved whenever Ramil and I are berating him for some naughty deed. He’s also adjusting well to being in school everyday. It’s good that out of his 5-6 hours stay in school, 2 hours is spent on nap time. Also, his social skills are now superb. He’d willingly say hi even to students he doesn’t even know. It’s also great for him to always be surrounded by teachers. I am so grateful for our co-teachers, they also make it a point to converse with him and check on him whenever they see him around school. I’d even often catch some of them teaching him things and some tricks.

So yes, after weeks of terrible adjustment, we’re all okay now (I think). I’m optismistic about the next few weeks and months ahead. I just need to remember to keep my thoughts and actions positive.

Ever since I’ve been reporting for work full-time, Mateo has been a regular schoolgoer too. Ramil’s work hours are from 7am to 3pm while mine is 9am to 5pm. Mateo and the yaya goes to school with me at 9am while they go home with Ramil at 3pm. Since our house is just a mere 5-minute drive from school, he’s adjusting well to the set-up. Although I cried for several nights over our time together that will be lost, I’m lucky that I still get to see him at least every 30 minutes whenever we’re in school. My little boy is growing up so fast, it’s so easy to get sentimental lately. I even fixed a lot of his baby clothes last weekend so I can keep them in the cabinet because they don’t fit him anymore. He’s such a talker now and would sometimes easily say phrases. He also likes to sing with me even though he’d only end up singing the last words of each line of a song. I still worry that we might be ‘sending’ him to school early, though we’ve noticed a big improvement on his social skills. Here’s a picture of my boy from two weeks ago, definitely not a baby anymore.

]]> http://www.alaherrera.com/2008/06/updates/feed/ 0 http://www.alaherrera.com/2008/06/going-full-time/ http://www.alaherrera.com/2008/06/going-full-time/#comments Wed, 04 Jun 2008 14:28:25 +0000 alaherrera http://www.alaherrera.com/?p=618 Continue reading →]]> When I was still pregnant with Mateo, I was sure I wanted to be the one to take care of him. I left the decision of resigning up in the air and thought of not making a decision until things settle down and everything is clearer. I gave birth on a January, which actually leaves two more school months for me. Since the two months maternity leave would end just when classes has ended, I decided to simply resign.

Since I gave birth last January 2007 until May 2007, it was just Ramil, Mateo, and me. No helper, no yaya, no nearby relatives to help us out. We were on our own and we were proud first-timers. When May drew to a close, however, I played around with the idea of teaching on a part-time basis. Although I love staying home with Mateo, I missed teaching and I missed the kids. It was more than just a job for me and that’s when I realized that I want to be a teacher for a long time, that it’s the work I want to do. So I made arrangements with the school, found and trained a yaya for Mateo, then started teaching once again when June came. My classes were from 1:30-4:00 pm, giving me just around three hours away from my baby. The arrangement worked perfectly. I was able to do two things that I love, being a mother and teaching.

The school year ended with some people in school asking if I’m willing to work on a full-time basis this coming school year. A lot of math teachers resigned and it would help a lot if I can work longer hours. It was a seesaw of arguments with myself during the summer months. Ramil and I tried to think of a system we could use to accommodate a full-time workload for me. When Mateo’s yaya left and then sent a text message that she won’t be returning anymore, I wanted to go full-time – as a mom. Since I already expressed my intent to work as a part-time teacher, I was left with no choice but to look for a yaya. The yaya hunt almost left me looking like I took a lot of weight loss pills with the stress I was feeling. Good thing we found one, I just hope we found a good one.

Last weekend, Ramil and I was able to agree on a schedule for us – his work hours will be from 7:30 am to 3:30 pm while my work hours will be from 9:00 am to 5:00 pm, both of us working full-time. After much consideration, including our financial state, we’ve finally decided that I’ll be going back to teaching full-time. It was a hard decision. I’ve cried about it every night after informing the school about it last Monday. If I let myself dwell on what it entails, I’d start feeling this ache in my heart and I would feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

Don’t get me wrong, I love teaching and I am actually excited to once again be a part of the school. I will miss the times though when it was just Mateo and me at home. I will miss doing everything for him and with him. My only consolation is that I will be bringing Mateo and the yaya with me in school. They will be staying in the library until the daycare center the school is planning is usable already. It’s a good thing that Mateo loves going around the school and that he knows almost everyone in school already. I get to visit him anytime during the day. At least we still get to see each other even though I am technically at work.

I just really pray that he and the yaya get along really well soon. They’re okay right now but it would ease my mind big time once they love each other already. I really hope that Mateo adjusts to the set-up really well. I can’t believe he now ‘goes to school’ from 9:00am to 3:00pm. Beats any pre-school student. And to think he’s only a year and four months old. I don’t know whether to be proud of my boy for being so ‘grown-up’ about it or to cry because it seems that he’s not a baby anymore. I hope that when classes start we all won’t be stressed with the arrangements. I really hope too that Mateo knows I love him just as much even if we’re going to spend less time together.

]]> http://www.alaherrera.com/2008/06/going-full-time/feed/ 0 http://www.alaherrera.com/2008/04/yaya-less-once-again/ http://www.alaherrera.com/2008/04/yaya-less-once-again/#comments Tue, 22 Apr 2008 01:57:00 +0000 alaherrera http://www.alaherrera.com/2008/04/22/yaya-less-once-again/ Continue reading →]]> Once again, Mateo’s yaya went home. This time though, she told us way ahead of time that she wants to visit her mom in the province. Initially, she told me she’ll be back after two weeks but after several days, she told me that she’s not sure if she’ll be coming back. It would have been no trouble at all since I’m supposed to stay home this summer. However, I decided to teach math summer classes so that we could augment our summer income too. My class is still ongoing until next week and we’re left with no one to look after Mateo. The remedy we’ve found is to ask a former co-teacher’s wife to look after Mateo while we’re in school. Their house is just a few blocks from school so it’s easy to drop him off and pick him up. Ever since yesterday, Mateo and I have our morning bonding times when it’s just the two of us at home. It can be quite a struggle keeping him entertained. If only he has some swing sets he can play with. What we do is just play with his toys, read his book, blow bubbles, and anything else we can think of. Despite getting so tired with taking care of him and playing with him, I feel myself getting younger each day

To be honest, I never thought we’d last this long. I still remember my frustrations at pumping during the first few months, the blessing of losing my pump’s valve, finally finding joy in breastfeeding, and my attempts to wean him at seven months which ended up in relactation. I’ve reached a point when I just let him feed whenever he wants to. I’ve decided to just sit and wait for him to wean himself. I figured that he will, eventually. There were days when he would refuse to feed from me and I would get all sentimental about it. Now I know that weaning doesn’t just spell freedom for me, it also means losing just a little bit of my baby. Sure, I could still feed him from the bottle while cuddling or holding him but there’s nothing more intimate and close than having him at my breast. It was something that nobody else could offer. It’s a form of nourishment and comfort that only I could offer. But my baby is slowly becoming more independent.

I think Mateo senses this sadness that I would sometimes feel whenever I think about not being able to breastfeed him anymore. I’d like to think that he also chose this slow weaning process to make it easy on both of us. I’ve heard of some babies who are weaned overnight but I couldn’t imagine such a thing for us. Nowadays, there are times when he would ask for the bottle and there are times when he would ask for my breast. The times when he would prefer the bottle though, is slowly increasing. His milk budget is also getting a bigger chunk of our monthly income.

Considering his milk preference these past few days, my fearless forecast is that he would be completely weaned in a month’s time, maybe earlier. Saddens me a little but I also look forward to it. Whatever happens, I know he’s still going to be a mama’s boy.